My Immortal With Commentary!
by Silver-Squirrel
Summary: The worst fanfiction ever? You know the one. This is it, but with my commentating. It was so bad that I couldn't not rant about it a little.
1. Chapter 1

**Heyo! I'm Silver-Squirrel and I'll be commentating My Immortal for as long as my brain will hold out. I know that this has been done 1000 odd times but it's SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I couldn't **_**not**_** do it.**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(I'm half curtain. No I'm serious.)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling**(Good Lord knows what would have happened if you hadn't been there)**. U rok! Justin**(Beaver?)** ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness **(Why in the hell is there that _random_ apostrophe in there?)** Dementia Raven Way **(...)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(I once sailed with a geezer lost both his arms and part of his eye. 'What did you call him?' Larry.) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(Wtf isn't that some kind of shellfish?)**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee** (I'm sure they do, honey.) **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **("I just had incest, and it fe-elt so good!" STFU Akon.)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(As vampire's teeth are)**. I have pale white skin**. **I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in Englandwhere I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen** (Don't you lie to me, missy.****)**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(Silly me, I thought you were a rocktship. BAZINGA!) **and I wear mostly black**. **I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink **(Hard-core, man.)** fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **(Because, having white skin, white make-up is something you need. OBVIOUSLY.),** black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(Since that's possible and everything,)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them**. (This is how the mannerly people commonly great people they do not know.)  
><strong>  
>"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!<p>

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(DRACO MALFOY IS SHY AND I AM A NARWHAL.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away**. (What the fuu-?) **

AN: IS it good?**(DOES IT LOOK FUCKING GOOD?)** PLZ tell me fangz!

**OH MY giddy aunt I WANTED TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT AS I READ THIS. I swear to Buddha, man, I swear to Buddha.**

**P.S please review and let me know if what you thought of my efforts :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**S-S: Just to let you know, I swear almost as much as Ebony does because she makes me frustrated and I tend to swear when I get frustrated…  
>And thank you guys so much for your reviews! There were so many: 7 ^.^!<br>And yessiree, I did quote Captain Jack Sparrow last chapter :). **

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz **(If she replaces one more word with 'fangz' I'm_ going_ to dry heave.)**2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta **(Seriously man, we owe you one!)**! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!** (Why is everyone she doesn't like a prep?) **

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(It fucking **_**sucks**_** when you wake up Where The Wild Things Are. They're all like '**_**AHHH YOU'RE OUR NEW KING AND WE LOVE YOU**_**! Now fix all our shit.)**

It was snowing and raining again.** (Black weather woman: "**_**OH HAIL NO**_**!" [Okay even I know that was lame.])**

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(I drink **_**my**_** blood with chopsticks! [20 Dorrar at your rocar store!] Shut up Squirrer.)**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends **(*Throws blood up all over chopsticks*)**. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(What the hell you forgot to tell me what colour underwear you put on!). **

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes **(She grinned at you before opening her eyes? **_**WTF is wrong with this girl?**_**)**. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(Hehehe Edward Scissorhands without the scissor hands mental image…)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday **(I say this all the time when I wake up, too.)**!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Vampires. Do not. **_**Blush**_**.)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Apparently, the louder you say something the truer it becomes. Yaaaaay politics!)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(It's acceptable to flirt with people you so fucking don't like.)**

"Guess what" he said.

"What?" I asked. **(**_**Wrong.**_** The answer was God.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.** (Why is a MUGGLE BAND performing in an ALL-WIZARDING TOWN? You tell me.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(Didn't you hear? She doesn't fucking like you! Or some shiz like that, I don't know. Sometimes my eyes short out when I read this.)**

I gasped. **(OMG cliff-hangerrrrrrrrrrrrr!)**

**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK.**

**Simulation or what this story may have looked like before **bloodytearz666 **appeared and saved the day:  
><strong>_Da nxt dy i wok up in my bdrm._

_It wz snwng nd raning agen._

_i opnd da dor of my cofn nd _**Holy shiz I can't do this any more. How do 10 year olds do this on a full time basis?**

**Something worth noting: Apparently "Squirrer" is my Asian alter ego.**


	3. Chapter 3

**S-S: Thank you everyone who has reviewed! And I must say I didn't expect this many people to. Haha silly me ey?**

**WARNING: I swear.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter (J. does) or this story (That Tara Gilblees kid does, thank God.).**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs **(**_**Oh my God **_**there goes my fucking pencil. I destroyed it like I said I would.) **2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(...whoever it was: own up now, and we'll only shun you a little bit.) **FANGS **(FFFUUUUUUUUUCK!)** AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Wow, thanks. I would have never figured that one out on my own.)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(Afraid of change? There's an app for that.) **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(As you do.) **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC **(Band-Aids, bru. Invest in some.). **I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. **(Then sadly Ebony died after being crushed from the pressure of her own make-up.) **I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(did it just occur to you now?) **I drank some human blood **(Personally I prefer unicorn blood, but thanks to **_**someone **_**[not naming any names *cough***_**Voldemort**_***cough*] it's off the market… each to his own, I guess.) **so I was ready to go to the concert. I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Check the licence plate; it could be my flying car that was stolen the other week by a pack of rabid ferrets.) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(OMFG you killed Malfoy. Die, devil woman, die!)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(I think that this is a paradox. The universe may explode now. Nice one, Ebony -.-)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **(Open up, my youthful lotus flowers!)**

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(Isn't that the worst. But you'd think that one of them would have noticed it and walked around it.) **(the license plate said 666) **(Fuck it is my car!) **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(How in the hell did you get there and not crash into a reindeer or a thestral or something?) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. "You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(I'd just be plain freaked out if you did.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **(The Three Broomsticks, yaaaaay! That's where it goes down.) **with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(Oh good Lord.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **(Wth even **_**is**_** moshing? It sounds like what you'd say when two dogs are getting it on or something… O.O) **Then I caught on. **(Wow, you're a sharp one, Ebony.) **"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(Get out of there Malfoy, before she gets your scent!)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(What. The fuck.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel **(And I'm sure Joel's thankful for it every day of his life.) **and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Yep, just hate this girl for no reason at all. That's pretty cool and goffik of you. I'm kind of surprised you didn't call her a prep.) **The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. **(Okay, I'm sorry. I just can't see any of this happening in Hogsmeade. At all.) **Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(Well, at least you didn't walk into it this time, ey.) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(Ohhhhh my God. Hey, maybe you'll die! :D)**

**-Continue reading past this point for a better story than that chapter.-**

**Today for Easter Sunday, my mother, brother and I attended a church service. In said church service, a small video was shown with clips from **_**The Passion of the Christ.**_** Mum, being as soft as she is, began to cry at some of the more harsh and brutal scenes. Wanting to help out, I put my arm around her comfortingly and whispered to her: "Don't worry Mum, I've read the book- he lives!" Which made Mum laugh.**

**The end.**

**My day was better than Tara Gilblee's whole story.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

**SS: Thanks you guys for all the reviews! Yeah, I'm lazy, put I'm gonna put a couple of chapters up at a time this round. Haha I'm a fuckhead.**

**WARNING: This chapter contains coarse language and explicit sexual content. Not suitable for readers 6 and under.**

AN: I said stop flaming ok! Ebony's name is ENOBY **(Wow guys, looks like she just got even cooler.)** not Mary Sue ok! Draco is so in love **(*Drugged up on Date Rape)** with her that he is acting different! They knew each other before ok!**(Yeah, all that shyness and one-word sentence stuff was **_**probably**_** the grounds of a **_**very**_** healthy, steady relationship, guys.)**

"Draco!" I shouted. "What the f*ck do you think you are doing?"**(Well, whatever it is I don't think swearing at him will stop it, but you don't know until you try!)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car** (FLYING CARS ARE ILLEGAL.)** and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the f*cking h*ll?" I asked angrily.**(Constand mood swings. It's that time of month again."**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

**("It's illegal for non-humans to be in possession of a wand. I'm taking you to Azkaban. Bitchez.")**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes**(RED? B-but they were such a beautiful silvery colour )** (he was wearing color contacts)which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**(Getting turned on by depression? That's more kind of wrong than I can even label. I can label a lot.)**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**(*Facepalm*.)**

**(WARNING: The following content contain high sexual content and nudity. Must be read at reader's own discretion.)**

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **(Haha keenly…)** against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(OH MY GOD INTEEEENSE!)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an o*****. **(Why the hell are you even bothering to bleep this stuff out anymore? You already wrote the most saucy sex scene ever. You've written '**_**thingie', **_**pretty sure we can handle 'orgasm'.)**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warmAnd then….

"WHAT THE H*LL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!" **(Haha he called them 'Motherfasterickckers'.)**

It was…Dumbledore!**(That actually sounded really Gangsta of him… Has Dumble-dawg finally seen the light?)**

**Tune in next time for another thrilling instalment of the worst fanfiction everrrrrrr! And don't forget to review.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

**SS: Yupp, second chapter tonight. I probably implied that I'd do more than two tonight, but I'm pretty lazy. Some of my emphasis marks are disappearing, and so are the emoticon things. (sad face). Don't want to say anything too witty up here, I don't have enough wit to waste.**

**Yeah, I don't own My Immortal. Mega sad face. If I did, I would have been hung, drawn and quartered for high treason against the English Language.**

AN: Stop flaming! If you flame it means you're a prep or a poser! The only reason Dumbledore swore is because he had a headache **(O-Oh God, I'm sorry D-man, I doubted you.)** ok, and on top of that he was mad at them for having sex!** (But let's face it, it was a pretty hot sex scene.)**

PS I'm not updating until I get five good reviews! **(SWEET! No more My Immortal!)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**(Well as a Professor, I don't really know what else he would have been doing.)**

"You ludicrousfools!" he shouted.**(Wow Enoby, too far. Just too far.)**

I started to cry tears of blood **(****The condition is called Haemolacria. It is actually a symptom of various diseases. One specific cause could be a tumor in or near the tear duct.****)** down my pallid face.** (I'm actually surprised that she knows what word means, let alone using it in the correct context.)**

Draco comforted me **(*spew*)**. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**(As they should be, you wand wielding non-human creature, you.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse **(WOAH, big word from the little brain, people!)** in the Forbidden Forest**!(Is this a bad time for 'pics or it didn't happen?')"** he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall **(Yoww, McGonagall's got the claws out ;D)**.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked.**(I don't think that it's possible for someone as manly and awesome as Draco Malfoy to 'shriek'.)** "Because I love her!"**(Oh no, he's whipped out the ol' "Because I love her!" card.)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**(Hahahaha and Snape's just all chill about this shit? I don't think so, honey.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

**("Herpes is FUN! Why wouldn't I be okay?")**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(That can't be good for the joints.)**

When I came out…

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom **(Um, pretty sure that boys aren't allowed in the girl's dorms.)**, and he started to sing "I Just Wanna Live"**(…)** by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered **(IT'S NOT EVEN A LOVE SONG, DAMMIT!)**, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(Where he should be.)**

**Ahhhh this is fucked.**


End file.
